For anyone else running into this issue: I figured this out with a program called DocTo that converts PDF/DOC/DOCX files to TXT; used =Dump(DirectoryList()) on the local directory where the new TXT files are; concatenated the list of files with their base directory; converted local directory paths to URL style paths (from C:\Directory\Files to file:///C:/Directory/Files); then used =dump(regexpfindonurl()) to scrape text from the text files. If my regex code got too long (and it did), then I left it in a cell by itself and made the correlating formula parameter an absolute cell reference to where my regex code was (ex: =dump(regexpfindonurl("file:///C:/Directory/Files/textfiletoscrape.txt",a$1$)).